Posted on July 12, 2013


I don’t cook. At. All.
A lot of people say this but really don’t mean it.
They make toast. They make a Tombstone pizza. They bake cupcakes from a box.

My friends, this is cooking. If you open the oven door, that qualifies as cooking.

So stop lying.

I hold cooking at such a level that, in my eyes, you people are all on the same level as Martha Stewart.
You all amaze me.
Because you can turn on the oven.
Now, just try to avoid jail for tax evasion.

I haven’t turned my oven on in over 3 1/2 years.
True Story.
I opened the door the other day just to see what the hell was in there. Not shockingly so, I was surprised to see the crap we were storing. The potpourri of garbage included a gravy boat and platters from a previous holiday parties. Now I remember, we bought Thanksgiving platters to put the pre-cooked delivered feast on so it felt homier. Ha. But I forgot I even had them.
That was like… 3 years ago?
The dust on these items them could Ignite a wild fire. Even if I knew how to turn on the oven there’s no way in hell for fear of a fireball overtaking our apartment.

So here we are. A Thanksgiving platter (color: burnt orange), an oven I am scared (and don’t know how) to turn on, and Lil Johnny screaming because he wants food. Like real human food. Not Starbucks.

So we decided to get toasted. A toaster oven that is.

They are small, compact, and I hear they cook things…? My husband says it can cook meats with two turns of the knob and doesn’t involve me cleaning.
Sign me up.

But in thinking of it further – Isn’t it the best non-committal approach to cooking?

The toaster oven’s size ensures only small meals and not feasts will be cooked… which automatically exempts you from being committed to any big gatherings.


It’s kind of like an easy bake oven. Small cakes only. I mean, was it really an oven? Is this really cooking? Just like the toaster oven

So in other words, we can continue our tradition of Thanksgiving turkey dinner being delivered again this year (and possibly placed on the burnt orange platter).

Whew. Now That was a close one.

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