Blue Bags

Posted on May 28, 2013


Ladies and gentleman – we went to Ikea. Is there no greater hell on earth than the Saturday Ikea crowd? The answer simply… No.

The reason for going – we needed an umbrella. The reason we need an umbrella – Is scary. We live in an apartment on a high floor and are lucky enough to have a terrace. It gets remarkably warm out there – so shade is needed.

When spring time hit we ventured outside, looked around… what the? Our umbrella was missing. How can a large patio set umbrella go missing from a high floor terrace in NYC? Excellent question. When you figure this out please let me know. Unless your answer involves the word “impaling” then don’t tell me.

So here we are; on a ferry to go to Ikea. With Lil Johnny. What a way to spend a Saturday. I would rather have a fuckin’ root canal.

The ferry ride there was pretty uneventful. Lil Johnny looked out the windows, stayed quiet, and admired the view of the city. All was well.

At Ikea – as suspected…was hell. To say it was busy is an understatement. People everywhere. The density of human bodies is so thick one would think that they were giving away the store for free. I guess $1 ice cream cones is essentially the same as free nowadays right?

Within this mob of assholes: people arguing and screaming at each other about coffee tables and lampshade decisions you can see the relationship crumble before your eyes, bastard Children running around parentless and hyped up on the sugar obviously from the dollar cones, and people whom I refer to as those who are out for a Sunday drive window shopping and taking their sweet ass time gazing at 50 cent kitchen glasses with wide open possibility.

I want to run all of these people over with my stroller. I hate you.

Besides the above mentioned assholes that are on my last nerve, there is also the kaleidoscope sea of blue bags as far as the eye can see… causing dizzy spells with the clashing bright blue color and the polyurethane fumes attacking my central nervous system. The smell is immediately recognizable…like walking by a Subway sandwich joint. Except the Ikea smell stays with you for days.

We stopped at the restaurant. I felt as if I’m being served by prison inmates wearing hair nets. Of course this was a dumb idea. The food – forgettable in the moment, but not forgotten after a couple days. Even dumber idea was to use the facilities. The bathroom was horrific. It reminded me of the movie Trainspotting. You know what I mean. 4 out of 5 stalls would be considered applicable horror movie propaganda. Upon peering into the stall I slowly backed away and looked back in disgust. Who are you animals? What kind of a human would do such a thing? The answer: an Ikea shopper.

We get to the umbrella area and “do the Ikea dance” – take a note of the product name, write down our aisle and product code, and head over to the aisle accordingly. We locate our section. And of course…you guessed it. It’s sold out. Are you shitting me?

Dave and I looked at each other with sheer terror- we came all the way out with a potentially screaming baby, dealt with the asshole mob of people, ate who knows what mystery meat, may have caught chlamydia on the bathroom, and now they didn’t even have our umbrella?

No way. Over my dead body…. We were leaving with an umbrella.

After a small freak out and panicked pacing we came up with a plan. Because we are brilliant.

We went back to the floor model, remove it from its stand, bring it back to the according aisle, open a similar box, put the umbrella in, and checked out.

I’ll be damned if I’m coming back here again.

Dave stood in the world’s longest check-out line and I wheeled Lil Johnny around the store to keep him calm.

After check-out we high-tailed our ass back to the ferry to have found that the time listings, on a large sign, on the ferry dock are wrong… Shocking. Why wouldn’t it be…And that we now have 40 minutes. It was unbelievable.

Now we sat out in the cold, pissed angry, and with a semi-stolen umbrella. Awesome. But I’m not going back in there. I’ll wait right here for the ferry thank you.

The ferry ride was as suspected – awful. Because the trip in was so great I absolutely was expecting this… Lil Johnny wailing, people carrying their heaped full blue bags full of unneeded shit bumping into us, the stroller, and anything else within a 2 mile radius (maybe they can’t see us – possibly now blind caused by the brightness of the blue bag clashing against their corneas?)

Now back at the apartment we sit under the umbrella. The shade sure feels nice. Lil Johnny is playing outside, everyone is smiling.

Which got me thinking…Was it all worth it?

Maybe the Ikea umbrella is the same as child birth… Once the smoke clears and time has passed you are just happy for the outcome and new addition? Isn’t that the way these things work? We forget the horrific things in life after time passes, suppressing the horror?

Time will tell.

Come to think of it – the Ikea bathroom experience is eerily similar to afterbirth…

At least the umbrella won’t piss on me.

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