The First Cold War

Posted on April 13, 2013


Ladies and gentlemen, sound the air raids. We have entered the cold war.

Lil Johnny has his first cold. And because that’s not enough he is also teething. Bodily fluids running rampant down his face constantly. Is that snot? Is that drool? It doesn’t matter – they have joined forces and are retaliating on our already weakened sleep patterns.

So what is the first rule of battle? Have a strategy.

STRATEGY: Stop the Mucus

What to do with someone who can’t blow? You wipe. But what happens when baby hates to be wiped? You drink.

NEXT STEP: Be Prepared with Ammo

This means going to Duane Reade and buying a bunch of shit that doesn’t work: Two aspirators, Boogie Wipes, Saline Spray, 2 boxes of Kleenex, and debt for 2 years. Awesome.

THIRD : Engage Battle

We start with the electric “aspirator.” Why the fancy name? Nasal Aspirator? Please. It’s a plastic apparatus that is stuck up the nose to suck out snot. It’s a fuckin’ booger sucker, thank you. More appropriately, I refer to them as BS.

This Electric BS conveniently plays lullabies. Gimmicky? Sure. But if it works who gives a shit. But – the lullabies don’t even begin to cover the BABY SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER at just the sight of it. The motor is loud and the suction scary. Lil Johnny HATES it and acts as if he’s having a tooth extracted, not snot. Fail.

For the next attempt we try the Bulb BS. Insert in the nose and…. doesn’t do a damn thing. And in analyzing it further – what the hell is this thing about? The boogies go in and then… there’s no way to neither open it nor clean it? Boogies just fester in there forever? Disgusting. Fail.

Then there are Boogie Wipes. See above. Hates nose being wiped even with grape-Kool Aid chemical smell. Fail. Saline, like an enema for the nose, can you guess how this went? Fail.

We put up the white flag.

We’re bunkering down and riding this one out.
We’re just hoping that after the snot clears we’re both still standing.

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