Sweet Things that Give Me a Toothache

Posted on March 31, 2013

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Sweet Things that give me a Toothache
Let me list a few: Cosmopolitans, Bubble Yum, Jolly Ranchers, and the current baby clothes assortment that can be found in any department store. Why the pastel colors? Why the cutesie animals and soft on the eyes sweet innocent looks? 
 
This shit gives me a toothache. 
 
Babies are innocent! you say. Cutesie animals, angelic prints and pastel colors  are best!
 
Innocent? Did u see the big surprise in that last diaper? Or catch that screeching pterodactyle hit octaves higher than Justin Bieber’s pre-puberty voice?
Lets be honest. Your sweet little bambino isn’t that innocent darling. He’s simply a baby. 
 
Fact: baby cant decipher differences in color until age about 2-3 months. Fact: Baby CAN see black and white from birth, and prefers bold contradictory color and pattern over pastels….and last: little Johnny doesn’t know what the fuck an elephant is.
 
Let’s rethink the prissy pastels and cavity crusader outfits. They are not necessary.
I don’t wear sugary sweet shit or monkeys -and I don’t think Lil’ Johnny needs to either. 
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